In Can You Hear Jesus Knocking at Your Door? I shared an important fact about myself:
I do NOT cook.
Typically, I will order take-out for every meal but tonight I did something out of my comfort zone.
I went to a restaurant and ate my dinner; alone.
Take a look around, the next time you go out to eat. It’s likely the room will be filled with friends, partners, colleagues and families. You may see the occasional person eating alone but it’s likely they will be pre-occupied with something… a book, cell phone or laptop; something to provide a sense of connection. So in theory, they’re not really alone.
Our society makes it appear as if there is nothing more pathetic than eating out alone; nothing more pathetic than being alone, in general.
Even though I am an introvert and appreciate my alone time, I also value the joy that comes from being connected.
This year, loneliness became my new normal.
I left my home and family at IUP. The only place or people I’ve known for the last ten years of my life.
I moved to a new State with no one but my partner and pets.
Fast forward to present day and I’m really alone; without a partner and my fur children.
No longer is it an option to enjoy the solitude I need to recharge my introvert soul.
It’s my reality; every day.
I told my therapist that my greatest fear is to spend the rest of my life alone.
While I desire intimacy, there is something holding me from experiencing that sense of connection with others.
I wish I knew what it was.
I wish I knew why I can tolerate superficial relationships but cannot endure true friendships.
I wish I knew why I find it acceptable to go days, sometimes weeks, without speaking to my family.
I wish I knew why I cannot fully commit myself to a partner.
I wish I knew why I stop myself from experiencing the intimacy I so desperately crave.
Since I don’t have those answers, I guess the best I can do is learn to appreciate and embrace this season of loneliness.
Maybe it’s God providing an opportunity for me to understand who I am, subsequently allowing me to grow and truly be intimate with others.
I don’t know.
I wish I knew, though.